Here We Go......Yet AGAIN

So I have a confession to make! Last week I rejoined WW for what must be the thousandth time. I know I must be a pain but it was something I felt like I needed to do. I went back to the meeting I went to when I originally lost the weight. Why did I not go back there initially? Because I was embarrassed. I should not have been as the leader could not have been more welcoming. She has always taken a keen interest in my weight loss and could not have done more for me when I hit a long plateau. It felt so good to be back and it was nice to see some old faces as well. I weighed in at 14st 4.5lbs which meant a whopping 5lb gain since the week previous. Anyway I am not stressing about that and for the first time in ages I look forward to WW. Tonight was my first WI and I  was down 2.5lbs. That was my target so I was delighted. I am now back out of the 200lbs and I am not going back. As you will read down further that really scared me. Next week I want to get out of the 14's so I am aiming for another 2.5lbs. A bit optimistic but I am going to try really hard. Last week, I went through a lot emotionally, and I know she probably is not reading this, but I could not have got through it without a very close friend. Anyway I actually wrote the following last week but  I just did not have the nerve to post it. I guess I was embarrassed about rejoining again but I am doing this blog for me and any others who may be in the same position as me, so here goes.

Since January, I have been like a broken record. I have restarted WW nearly every week. I keep saying it

has finally clicked yet it has not. Until tonight that is. Well I am hoping it has. Tonight I realised that I am nearly 24. I hated myself for letting my weight ruin my teens. I vowed I would not let it ruin my 20's. Yet here I am, hating life because I am fat. I was away in London at the weekend and it was a very emotional weekend away. I hated the photos from the trip. I look huge in all of them. I met an ex boyfriend (of all the people to bump into) whom I had not seen since I put back on the weight. None of my clothes fitted comfortably on me and I hated the sight of myself in the mirror. One of my friends made a comment about how she could not reach her shoes over her fat belly. This girl weighs 8.5 stone. I know this because she constantly moans about how fat she is at 8.5 stone.

Try being 14st 4.5 lbs. This is what I am. A whopping 14 stone 4.5 lbs. Why is tonight different from my other 'light bulb' moments? It might not be but I discovered a few things today. My size 18 work coat is starting to get tight. In the space of two weeks I have gained 7.5lbs :O Some of that is due to legitimate reasons but not all of it. I stepped on my scales at one point and it read 14st 9lbs. Holy crap, I was only 13st 8lbs just before Christmas. I am inching closer and closer to 15 stone. I have officially tipped into the 200 lbs. It is no longer a matter of I want to lose the weight, but now more that I HAVE TO.
I also realised that I have gained nearly a stone since January all the while supposedly doing Weight Watchers?? How does that happen. Besides the wasted money, it is wasted time. I have been faffing around with classes and leaders and I have decided once and for all to go back to my original leader. Yes I know you heard me right, I am rejoining Weight Watchers for what will be the third and LAST TIME in the space of 4 months. I think I need to do this. I now have 2 months free of major social events (other than usual Saturday nights!) so that will give me enough time to get settled into Weight Watchers. I did not have this the last two times. The first time I joined was two weeks before Christmas. The second time was the week before Paddy's weekend and then of course Easter. I know, excuses, excuses. I have something now that I did not have before, fear. I am terrified of the scales getting higher.

I had not intended on writing any of this. It does feel good to get it off my chest as I have been stressing about it since my meeting. The important thing is to forget the past on focus on the future. This time around I have set mini goals but I am not setting deadlines. I am taking it a week at a time and as long as the scales are down then I do not care. I am going to cross off each mini goal as I reach them, whenever that may be. I need to keep reminding myself, a lb a week is nearly 4 stone a year. So for what is the umpteenth time, here is to goal!